Seriously... Coffee Shops... What's up with that? Been to one lately? I have, let me tell you about it. I started drinking coffee a long time ago. And since then, if it's past 9am and I haven't had a cup, then chances are, you'll find me in some dark closet, curled up in the feeble position, rocking back and forth, singing every verse known to man ofKoombya and some I just made up. "Therapy's fun... my lord... Koombya".

But sometimes I just can't find the time to make myself a pot and I'll need to go to the local coffee house to get me a cup. The last time I was there, the person in front of me seemed like it was their first visit to this land of Arabica beans and CD's for sale. I couldn't help but think of my first adventure here. I won't lie, I was a little nervous. There was a look of confusion on my face as I looked up at the giant chalkboard with six hundred and eighty five different types of coffee. At first I thought the place was just being kind to foreigners by simply putting the translation of "coffee" in every language known to man on the board. But as I looked closer, I realized that the words weren't written in ancient Egyptian and the pictures weren't symbols for Seth the prehistoric Caveman, who was just thawed out and needed to warm up with a steaming cup of Java to understand.

Everything on the board was supposedly in English. Normally I would say plain English, but that would be a lie. And lying is wrong. I've seen computer-programming languages that were easier to figure out than simply trying to locate the word "Coffee" on the gargantuan menu. I looked everywhere, but couldn't find any familiarity. So now it's my turn to order. Not having a clue, I simply said what's worked for generations... medium coffee. That's when all hell broke loose. Well, as much as it could in a coffee house with Dave Matthews playing in the background. You see, my order didn't sit well with Jimmy "I can tell you every type of coffee even made, by order of aroma, grind, alphabetically, geographic region of growth, altitude, or just to show off, watch me leave out all the vowels and say them out loud as I balance this chocolate biscotti on my nose, and just for some flare, light it on fire. Wait for it... C_l_mb__n! Water please".

So Jimmy asks me which type of coffee, I would like. I reply, "Well, plain coffee will due." Poor Jimmy felt all insulted because plain coffee is so beneath him, like commissioning Rembrandt to paint a landscape, with a family of stick people in front of their house including tree and a sun in the corner with a big smile on its face that my little cousin could do with one hand tied behind his back. But because, he is a professional, Jimmy calls out my order to the "Coffee Maker". "Vertis Java" rings through the house, also creating a little shock in me. What the hell is that? Some kind of code words to mock me? Good thing I didn't order a large hot chocolate. Jimbo would be screaming Steamed Mocha at the top of his lungs, loud enough for any guy in a two mile radius, who heard my order, feel compelled by human nature to meet me in the parking lot and proceed to take away my man card.

Things are much easier now. I try to frequent that place as little as possible. Large double double is all the vocabulary that I really have to use before getting some wake up juice in me. Addicted? No, I wouldn't say so. But then again, my sponsor said that the first stage is denial.

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